Just shocked from class tonight

According to Lacan’s theory of analysis, I am a pervert because I look to a Big(ger) Other for guidance and instruction. In this sense, the usual ideas of sacrifice for the greater good, or the subjecting of the self for the sake of the Other is perverse, mere madness.

With all that I am, I believe that God’s love for me leaves me with no choice but to subject myself to His will for my life. But I see it as a form of expressing my gratitude, and my self, not as a desire for someone to tell me what to do.

Always tomorrow

At work today, it became clear to me that the darkness falls when I’ve nothing to do other than be contemplative amongst the marking, marking, endless marking. I had 4 lessons, during which I caught students scheming for April Fool’s Day tomorrow (if only they put so much effort into their studies…! ) and saw some drama presentations using vocabulary to be tested next week. It was a productive day after recess, before which I was so down that I could barely function. But then it got okay. I need busy.

Head’s spinning

Every day, there is something new to confront, and today is no different. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, and that I didn’t have to be here. I’ve just felt so tired that I’ve been quite dizzy the last few weeks.

Ah, poetry

Because being the way we were made to be is a beautiful thing, and something that makes us smile, and feel right with the world… the poem is something of the way I feel tonight, and sums up some of what I’ve been thinking about over the course of this week. There have been bad times, but there have also been the fresh breezes of knowing who God is to me, and what He does in my life, every day.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
- William Wordsworth (1770 – 1850)

And speaking of the way we were made, I’ve not been listening to Christian music recently because it’s been really bothering me, but this song by Chris Tomlin still touches me:

Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

And the line, “made to discover who You are and who I am” resonates within me because that’s what I yearn for: to know who I am in God’s creation, in relation to Him, and who He is.

Love God
Love people
Follow Jesus

Some random laughing

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

For some reasons

Sitting at my desk at work this morning, I feel overcome with sadness somehow. The new slogan has been put up, and every time it flashes on the website, I feel a little sadder. Time does pass so quickly – I’ve been here for 2 years and 7 months, and the ups and downs have come as rapidly as an eye blinks in a storm. It is hard to talk about how I feel, but if I don’t, I feel like I’m going to burst. Boy, I’m going to have a lot to tell him tonight.

I’m sure he’ll be disappointment personified. If I’m not that, myself. But on the up side at least I won’t have to make up my response in half truths and agreements with what he says.

Marking my students’ compositions is rewarding, challenging, boring, frustrating, amazing and everything else all at once and at different moments. It’s beautiful to see improvements in what they’re writing, but it’s equally __________ when they’re not doing well. It’s something that I’ve tried to work towards, building relationships with them, but I’ve been getting into a bit of hot water because of it. Maybe they’re right – maybe I don’t need to be their friend, since they have friends of their own. I wish it were different.

3 lines

I know it’s stupid, but I’ve not been able to fall asleep tonight because I can’t stop thinking about the relationships I’ve been in in the past. There is one relationship in particular that I feel so, so guilty about, because of the hurt and destruction it caused, but I can’t find forgiveness – for myself as much as for him. Am I just meant to live with it, as penance? I am very weary of thinking about it. I was just “young,” he said today.

3 lines, and it’s been relatively peaceful for 35 hours. Toll.

You know that there are

This is one of my current favourite songs. Lyrics below.

If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out – Cat Stevens
Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
Cause there’s a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
Cause there’s a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity’s on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo

You see ah ah ah
It’s easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
Cause there’s a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
Cause there’s a million things to do

You know that there are
Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
Cause there’s a million things to be

You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

Feel a little more each day

It’s got better. I feel better. Class tonight was good. Rushed, but good. I wish I’d remembered to watch the films beforehand though…

We did the traditional Chinese thing today, and even though it’s all so archaic and irrelevant, it’s still nice to get in touch with heritage. Sometimes, it’s rather confusing to be a Eurasian woman with an ethnically-Chinese appearance born, raised, educated and working in postcolonial, post-1997, postChina-paranoia Hong Kong.

Globalisation is quite apparent for me.

Just at this moment, nearly 3 in the morning

There are just moments in a day when sometimes I just can’t handle things and the heaviness just crashes down on me and it’s so thick I gag from it and I choke on it. I choke on the hard knot in my throat, and I’m in bed, wide awake, and I feel like I’m slowly but steadily suffocating, that there’s a pair of hands that are wrapping themselves around my neck, and are squeezing, and squeezing, and squeezing. They feel like they are never going to let go, and that I will always have them. God, help.