a purely anxious/selfish post

8 09 2007

at work, and at solid rock, i’m two totally different people. at the first, i’m immature (i’d been the youngest member of staff for the first two years i was there, so i was excused. and the whole ‘she’s not quite chinese’ thing didn’t hurt…), a little more outgoing than some of the others, pretty confident but relatively green when it comes to the more important things… at solid rock, i’m immature, very outgoing, and a little green about some of the jargon and the traditions, not having been raised in the church or been a believer that long. ah… actually, maybe i’m not so different at the two places after all…but what i’ve been thinking about recently is whether my ‘ministry’ is in either of these things, per se. or more accurately, whether my calling is in one or the other, as though there cannot be mutual existence of the two.

can there be though? if i feel God’s presence at the one, does it mean i’m not meant to be at the other?

i’ve often thought that i’m too much of a youth leader at work, and not giving enough of myself at solid rock either. sometimes, it strikes me that they’re mutually exclusive things completely. or is it that i’ve just been treating them like they’re mutually exclusive, when they’re not, really?

i prayed tonight that God would break my heart for the youth. and i realised that i was referring as much to the youth at solid rock as i was to those at work. i was stunned by that. it was as though Jesus Himself had had me pray that, because i was so totally unaware of this, and it was the thing that just encapsulated what i’d been trying to articulate for so long now, it seems. oh… i was moved. where else has my perspective been so completely wrong? maybe i’m not a good youth leader, in that i don’t care enough, or invest enough time in the youth, and maybe i’m not a good teacher, in that i don’t care the same amount about all the students i have, or don’t put enough emphasis on academic achievement, but i do have heart, and i do really pray that God uses me in both places… maybe that’s all that matters. because God can use whatever we give to Him, as long as it’s all – everything – we can give to Him.

let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice…