Just shocked from class tonight

31 03 2008

According to Lacan’s theory of analysis, I am a pervert because I look to a Big(ger) Other for guidance and instruction. In this sense, the usual ideas of sacrifice for the greater good, or the subjecting of the self for the sake of the Other is perverse, mere madness.

With all that I am, I believe that God’s love for me leaves me with no choice but to subject myself to His will for my life. But I see it as a form of expressing my gratitude, and my self, not as a desire for someone to tell me what to do.


Always tomorrow

31 03 2008

At work today, it became clear to me that the darkness falls when I’ve nothing to do other than be contemplative amongst the marking, marking, endless marking. I had 4 lessons, during which I caught students scheming for April Fool’s Day tomorrow (if only they put so much effort into their studies…! :)) and saw some drama presentations using vocabulary to be tested next week. It was a productive day after recess, before which I was so down that I could barely function. But then it got okay. I need busy.

Head’s spinning

31 03 2008

Every day, there is something new to confront, and today is no different. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, and that I didn’t have to be here. I’ve just felt so tired that I’ve been quite dizzy the last few weeks.

Ah, poetry

30 03 2008

Because being the way we were made to be is a beautiful thing, and something that makes us smile, and feel right with the world… the poem is something of the way I feel tonight, and sums up some of what I’ve been thinking about over the course of this week. There have been bad times, but there have also been the fresh breezes of knowing who God is to me, and what He does in my life, every day.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
– William Wordsworth (1770 – 1850)


And speaking of the way we were made, I’ve not been listening to Christian music recently because it’s been really bothering me, but this song by Chris Tomlin still touches me:

Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

And the line, “made to discover who You are and who I am” resonates within me because that’s what I yearn for: to know who I am in God’s creation, in relation to Him, and who He is.

Love God
Love people
Follow Jesus

Some random laughing

29 03 2008

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

For some reasons

28 03 2008

Sitting at my desk at work this morning, I feel overcome with sadness somehow. The new slogan has been put up, and every time it flashes on the website, I feel a little sadder. Time does pass so quickly – I’ve been here for 2 years and 7 months, and the ups and downs have come as rapidly as an eye blinks in a storm. It is hard to talk about how I feel, but if I don’t, I feel like I’m going to burst. Boy, I’m going to have a lot to tell him tonight.

I’m sure he’ll be disappointment personified. If I’m not that, myself. But on the up side at least I won’t have to make up my response in half truths and agreements with what he says.

Marking my students’ compositions is rewarding, challenging, boring, frustrating, amazing and everything else all at once and at different moments. It’s beautiful to see improvements in what they’re writing, but it’s equally __________ when they’re not doing well. It’s something that I’ve tried to work towards, building relationships with them, but I’ve been getting into a bit of hot water because of it. Maybe they’re right – maybe I don’t need to be their friend, since they have friends of their own. I wish it were different.


3 lines

27 03 2008

I know it’s stupid, but I’ve not been able to fall asleep tonight because I can’t stop thinking about the relationships I’ve been in in the past. There is one relationship in particular that I feel so, so guilty about, because of the hurt and destruction it caused, but I can’t find forgiveness – for myself as much as for him. Am I just meant to live with it, as penance? I am very weary of thinking about it. I was just “young,” he said today.

3 lines, and it’s been relatively peaceful for 35 hours. Toll.