This whole weekend

13 07 2008

Haven’t had any time to blog this weekend because of the following reasons:

  1. Having no time on Thursday. I don’t remember why, just that the past few days at work have been insanely busy with finishing things up and working on stuff that I will not be using next year, like the students’ handbook and other documents of that ilk. I’ll be back again on Monday and Tuesday, because I am so responsible…! But Tuesday will be my official last day, and then it’s just counting down to the 28th/30th. I haven’t decided on which day to make my first yet. I would like to start on the former, but have no idea where to begin. I’m waiting for an email from someone before making that particular decision.
  2. China. We went to Donguan on Friday night by train to Lowu and then another train to Zhangmutou. I was stunned by how clean everything was, and how fast the train was as well. We had dinner when we arrived, and then massages. I bought nothing except one pair of socks. Came back late last night, and I couldn’t sleep because I was so keyed up about church this morning, and ended up watching What Happens In Vegas, which was alright, thought-free-fluff. It was funny at times, but the chemistry (or lack thereof) between the various characters was excruciating at times. I had to stay with it though – watching it was not unlike what it must be like for spectators at a train wreck…
  3. Church was good this morning, but hearing some relatively bad news put a damper on the lunch for me. Being with a bunch of people and watching The Matrix helped though. Community…
  4. Being really angry and bitter about certain arrangements at home. I’m not going into detail, but I really want to, because it’s killing my brain right now not being able to talk about it. At the moment, I’ve talked about it with perhaps two people, and it’s busting me wide open at times because it’s all boiling there. Help. Again.

I’ll post some photos of the weekend up when I have time tomorrow at work. Right now, I just want to shower off some of the resentment and various other kinds of grime off me so I can have a restful night’s sleep.

But on Friday, I’ll be meeting with someone wise from church to talk through some of these issues. Because it’s important to do so before it consumes me. So I’m praying about the day. Coffee in the morning. I have to pray. I have to believe that God is in this situation, and that there’s a purpose for all this emotion. I’m struggling a lot, have been for the past month or so, but especially since I signed the new contract, especially since I feel trapped, and exhausted from fighting, and not able to talk about the truth to the very person I need to talk about this with, because she. Just. Refuses. To. Listen. And the tears want to fall right now, right now because I am choking, and can’t talk about it. I’ve tried. And it doesn’t do anything with her, because she. Just. Doesn’t. Hear. Me. And I’m angry, and upset, and hurting, and trapped.

I can pray all I want about it, but nothing seems to have happened/be happening. The situation is still the same, and whilst I don’t want for anything to be permanent, as in someone leaving the equation to allow for the situation to change, I can’t handle this anger and don’t know how I can deal with it. I feel like the worst person in the world because there’s no one else to tell about this, nowhere else to go with this, and it’s burning away at me in the inside. It’s affecting every day, and I get the same questions every day because they don’t see why I have asked those questions before, why I shared that I wanted to do it while I could, and not wait until I didn’t have a choice. Why is it so hard to understand this?

Perhaps what I’m thinking about is not going to be the thing to change everything, solve all the problems, but how can I know what it does or doesn’t do if I’m not allowed to try it? And why do I even have to phrase it this way, that I need to be “allowed?” I’m 25, and for so many of my peers, even for the cutlural understandings, it’s more than old enough for independence. So all I can think of is that it’s the cultural differences, once again… only this time, I feel it in a massive, staggering way and every thought, every consideration, is burdened by it. I am helpless right now, and want to bury myself in work so I don’t need to think about it.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

Wow. This has become a surprisingly long and emotional entry.

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