I heart

11 11 2008

I heart compassion, enthusiasm, understanding, empathy, good listeners, good speakers, clever/good/funny/romantic/interesting films, close friends, good conversations, witty dialogue, a fascinating book, young people, love, laughter, life, closeness with God, security, identity, sleep, ham and cheese, and, of course, David Attenborough.


What this is…

5 11 2008

I have to believe that it was right to speak about it, even though it hurts and I’m just lost in confusion. I have to believe that in this case, unlike other situations, it is the bigger picture of the minority that needs to be protected. I have to believe that what that other teacher said to that individual, before the right time, was done for the best reasons, and with wisdom. I have to believe that everything is going to be alright… I have to believe all this because right now, I don’t know what to do. Should I have said anything, even though I knew people would be hurt, and trust would be shaken? Or should I just have ignored it, let it slide at the sake of one individual, thus safeguarding the others?

I wonder whether we ever really know why we’re at a certain place at a certain time. Sure, it’s for a reason, but man alive, it hurts like the dickens.

Reason for the struggle

4 11 2008

The speaker at Chapel this morning said that life is like a video game, where the purpose of each stage is to get skills and pass challenges that enables progress to the next stage. I thought, “Well, der…! Of course it is!” and promptly realised that that’s what been missing a bit for me: purpose, and a reason for the struggle. The days are always filled with things to do, work to grade, lessons to prepare, essays to write, places to get to and so on… but how much of it is really fulfilling? How much of it is helping me become the woman God has put His creativity into making? There’s a band whose album title is “Purpose To Melody” and it surprises me again and again: that we can find a purpose to melody, a reason to sing, to do, to be. I keep thinking I need to find motivation to do these things, but what if it’s not about how much we can motivate ourselves, but how much we are ultimately able to allow God to motivate us, to give us a reason? Ah, reading through this again, I feel a little lost – it’s just so vast, so abstract… – but it’s simultaneously beautiful.

Essay writing and Zelig-viewing tonight. It’s going to be a long one. I think I’ll be skipping Book Club tomorrow, on account of there being no time, but we’ll see…

I wish I felt okay. Motivation aside, I’m so tired all the time it’s not even funny.