I walk away

1 01 2009

I met up with him, and we were together for 6 hours, and nothing happened. I could always feel a vague sense of disappointment – with life, with myself and with the sheer nothingness there is. And it is so frustrating as I feel that I should know there is more. I cringe when people speak so knowingly, when they say the words that I should need to hear, but don’t want to have echo in my emptiness.

Today was not a good day in terms of heart.

The expectations were plentiful, and I could feel it simmering under the surface, under all the discussions we were having and I, I had nothing underneath to prepare me for it. The warmth of his body contrasted with the cold both inside and outside, and I felt nothing.

He said I need a hobby, and I could think of nothing but apologies. The whirl of thoughts in me impotently beats against the restraints it is held captive by, and the music in my ears both soothe and agitate it. I hunger and am not satisfied; the chokehold that obligation and frustration has is too tight, and I am hollow.

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