So I wrote a letter

1 02 2009

Today was my last Solid Rock for the next 7 months as I focus on the degree, and it was different, and saddening, but… right somehow. I have to give it all back to God, and know, truly know, that I have an identity other than that of “youth leader.” It’s confusing and I almost rear back from it because why do I need to have a label other than this one? Or maybe a better thing to wonder about would be why we need to have labels at all. Maybe life would be easier without labels, or more it would be more difficult… I’m not sure. It just seems that there is so much less confusion when you know how you’re meant to act and react, what role you’re meant to play in which situation/environment. I like to think that with the way I am, what-you-see-is-what-you-get, but really? I couldn’t say.

Being a youth leader has been such a huge part of who I am that I’m afraid I’ll have no idea who I am when I’m not a youth leader any more. Not that taking a break necessitates not being involved with the youth group full stop, but I know the issue is also about pride. I love being with the youth, and I love the other aspects of the ministry too. It’s just that I’ve never thought of SR as being my quote-unquote ministry, because I’ve always received so much more than I contributed to it. No matter how tired I feel, or how much work there is to do, there’s also something that just somehow makes it all okay. And I don’t want to be the person that is a hint for the word “stressed” or “glum” on Word Party. I need to be refreshed, to know my purpose, my role, and focus on one good thing at a time so I can feel good about it. I need to show how much SR means to me by giving it all my attention without being distracted or more stressed out because of the pile of work that’s just sitting on my desk or stagnating in my handbag when I’m at Maranatha House. But I feel terrible about leaving, even if it is only for 7 months. And that’s why I wrote that letter, which I surreptitiously posted on the noticeboard… because I don’t know how to say: thank you.




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