On Christianese in the everyday

8 02 2009

I speak Christianese; I can look the part.

I can see no purpose to any of this if I don’t know the presence of God. And I write “know” very deliberately, as opposed to “feel,” because I just need more. And also because I know that maybe what it is is that I need to move on from mere feeling… but how can I if I’m not even whole? I have so few words to describe this state I’m in, this state I’ve been in, that I just don’t generally bother.

I thirst and yearn for God to be in my life again. In my head, I know He is, always, but the knowledge is not in my heart at the moment… hasn’t been for months now. Faith tells me to keep going, and hope tells me that things will be alright, and there will be an end to this right now, but it’s not enough for me.

I went to a young adults group at another church tonight, and it was alright I suppose. Most of the time I just missed SR and thought I was betraying it a bit, and also that “Oh, it’s 7:49pm. They’re probably into the speaking now.” as they went through the announcements. The time afterwards, when people had left the room and were laughing and talking outside, was the best, but also the worst. There were moments where I strongly visualised some un-good, unappetising things, and other moments where beauty was there in the changing colours of the lights, and in the small groups of people scattered about the place.

What if there were reviews for church? What would they say?

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