With all this being unsaid

23 07 2011

Saying goodbye this afternoon was too easy, and the refuge that is a home as well waited patiently. Stepping through the doorway, I felt transported to a peaceful place, and the dull roar of the air-conditioner says that it is time to sit back and read the novel that has been waiting.

Summer days are too good. Too soon, it will be time for the onslaught again, and these days will be appreciated all the more.

The toughest decision for the rest of today is whether to step back into the throng of people at the shopping centre to buy an eye mask to sleep in. I’m leaning towards no, and feeling the massive strain of having to make this heavy, heavy decision.

Oh, summer, how I love you.


Not saying no

22 07 2011

Although a great deal of progress has been made so far in counselling, one thing I still find quite challenging is saying no to certain individuals in my life who demand things of me. In many ways, this move has been good, but returning to old places is made all the more tiresome because of the distance, physically or emotionally.

What is it about this person that makes my teeth clench in anger? Could it be the injustice of the situation, where a perceived debt is reason for any number of manipulations? Could it be the inability to distinguish vital from unimportant? Could it be the self-righteous attitude that says everyone else in the world is taking advantage of positives and acquired wealth? Could it be the blatant and flagrant ignorance of appreciation? Perhaps it is all of these things, because my mother asking for my help on someone else’s behalf is something that at once annoys and frustrates me.

Because when you are in the process of moving house, you should not be ‘out of town’; you should be the one who oversees, arranges, schedules, structures, decides, and takes action. What a cop-out.

At some point, I will move past this and realise the value of forgiveness, and the joy that can be received through helping someone whose responsibilities require them to be elsewhere, and so have no choice but to depend on others to fulfil their duties for them. I will eventually be able to write about what I have learned from this situation, and how it has made me a better person. I will understand the difficulties of being stuck between two places, and wanting to please the people I love.

But not yet.

The other night

18 07 2011

The absence of posts recently has been because of a combination of moving house, settling in, and having a series of rather bewildering dreams that I’ve had to think about.