Being manipulated, but hopeful still

6 03 2011

Reverting to decision-making as a result of the current assignment I am working on with this programme, and I recall again the words of Selina in our last session, that I need to learn to make decisions of my own. The only thing harder than making hard decisions is starting to make any decisions at all.

The decision to move out was made about 6 years ago, and it has taken that same amount of time to put the words into action. And now, the choking anger that rises as a result of what goes on here is suffocating, and heavy in the back of my throat are the many words that are dying on their way out.

It is appalling to me that someone who is so decisive and so full of the potential for leadership struggles with what should be insignificant issues. Decision-making should come easily to someone like me, but it doesn’t. On the route to becoming self-sufficient, and dealing with daily obstacles, there is a lot to be broken about.

But I will stand firm, because I have hope. Things will get better, and then I will look back upon these days and smile.

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Current anger

27 06 2009

ranting-fishI’m sitting at my desk working on my dissertation, and then it’s dinner. Afterwards, we’re all laughing to the show with the most _________ people performing their most _________ acts, and then she turns around and snaps at him.

Does she not understand that there are only so few is so little time left, that any moment we have together may be the last moment we recollect when the same things we laugh at, or talk about, or the experiences we share, are no longer? I had to leave the room; staying would have meant saying something that I would have regretted. It’s always something, and then there’s something else. Right now on my playlist the song that’s playing is “Love Is Not Enough” by Nine Inch Nails off With Teeth and I’m struck by the ___________. For someone so forgiven, I have an awful lot of rage in me.

Right now I’m waiting for my boss to email me back and tell me whether I can have those two days off to see that concert. It’s a fickle reason to miss work, sure, but why August 3rd, anyway??

And another thing that’s really bothering me right now is how my brother and I seem to not be communicating without one or both of us losing our temper in some way. And I remember how we were in Phuket, and how everything seemed easier, and all the time I had been thinking about how if we were back home, it would not be “this easy” to converse, and be back the way we were.

And yet another thing that’s bothering me is how I have no inspiration for the dissertation: I have been stuck at 100 words for the past I-don’t-know-how-many days, because I read through what I’ve written, hate it, and wipe it all out. This summer writing period is not turning out to be as productive as I need it to be.

But I’ve kind of made a decision about something permanent, so if everything works out the way I hope for it to then I’ll be going ahead with it.





What utter crap

18 04 2009

She’s talking to her sister on the phone right now, and the whole topic is revolving around the topic of children. Rebellious children who do not obey, who do not appreciate the care of their parents, and so on, and so on. She says to her sister that she has learned to let go, and has taught herself to release her own, because she is “thinking clearly now”, and I can’t help saying to myself that this is all utter crap that she is speaking, because I know that she is not letting go, and that is partly why there is such resentment in the household sometimes. She does not, has not, let go of her own siblings, whose lives are trashy and chaotic, and too much for her anyway, so why doesn’t she let go of them already as they just use her and use her family, and she certainly has not “let go” of her own children. And it’s torture sometimes, as she seeks to control every. Single. Thing. 

I am moving out the first chance I get. 

I hope.





This whole weekend

13 07 2008

Haven’t had any time to blog this weekend because of the following reasons:

  1. Having no time on Thursday. I don’t remember why, just that the past few days at work have been insanely busy with finishing things up and working on stuff that I will not be using next year, like the students’ handbook and other documents of that ilk. I’ll be back again on Monday and Tuesday, because I am so responsible…! But Tuesday will be my official last day, and then it’s just counting down to the 28th/30th. I haven’t decided on which day to make my first yet. I would like to start on the former, but have no idea where to begin. I’m waiting for an email from someone before making that particular decision.
  2. China. We went to Donguan on Friday night by train to Lowu and then another train to Zhangmutou. I was stunned by how clean everything was, and how fast the train was as well. We had dinner when we arrived, and then massages. I bought nothing except one pair of socks. Came back late last night, and I couldn’t sleep because I was so keyed up about church this morning, and ended up watching What Happens In Vegas, which was alright, thought-free-fluff. It was funny at times, but the chemistry (or lack thereof) between the various characters was excruciating at times. I had to stay with it though – watching it was not unlike what it must be like for spectators at a train wreck…
  3. Church was good this morning, but hearing some relatively bad news put a damper on the lunch for me. Being with a bunch of people and watching The Matrix helped though. Community…
  4. Being really angry and bitter about certain arrangements at home. I’m not going into detail, but I really want to, because it’s killing my brain right now not being able to talk about it. At the moment, I’ve talked about it with perhaps two people, and it’s busting me wide open at times because it’s all boiling there. Help. Again.

I’ll post some photos of the weekend up when I have time tomorrow at work. Right now, I just want to shower off some of the resentment and various other kinds of grime off me so I can have a restful night’s sleep.

But on Friday, I’ll be meeting with someone wise from church to talk through some of these issues. Because it’s important to do so before it consumes me. So I’m praying about the day. Coffee in the morning. I have to pray. I have to believe that God is in this situation, and that there’s a purpose for all this emotion. I’m struggling a lot, have been for the past month or so, but especially since I signed the new contract, especially since I feel trapped, and exhausted from fighting, and not able to talk about the truth to the very person I need to talk about this with, because she. Just. Refuses. To. Listen. And the tears want to fall right now, right now because I am choking, and can’t talk about it. I’ve tried. And it doesn’t do anything with her, because she. Just. Doesn’t. Hear. Me. And I’m angry, and upset, and hurting, and trapped.

I can pray all I want about it, but nothing seems to have happened/be happening. The situation is still the same, and whilst I don’t want for anything to be permanent, as in someone leaving the equation to allow for the situation to change, I can’t handle this anger and don’t know how I can deal with it. I feel like the worst person in the world because there’s no one else to tell about this, nowhere else to go with this, and it’s burning away at me in the inside. It’s affecting every day, and I get the same questions every day because they don’t see why I have asked those questions before, why I shared that I wanted to do it while I could, and not wait until I didn’t have a choice. Why is it so hard to understand this?

Perhaps what I’m thinking about is not going to be the thing to change everything, solve all the problems, but how can I know what it does or doesn’t do if I’m not allowed to try it? And why do I even have to phrase it this way, that I need to be “allowed?” I’m 25, and for so many of my peers, even for the cutlural understandings, it’s more than old enough for independence. So all I can think of is that it’s the cultural differences, once again… only this time, I feel it in a massive, staggering way and every thought, every consideration, is burdened by it. I am helpless right now, and want to bury myself in work so I don’t need to think about it.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

Wow. This has become a surprisingly long and emotional entry.