I know nothing about cars

14 10 2009

I was on my way to work when 2nd gear broke down for me. I drove the whole way in 3rd and may have killed my car as a result. It’s at the garage, recuperating… I suck.

crushedcars

To completely change the subject, I can’t wait until this dissertation is over and done with. What I could do is really work on it, instead of procrastinating and blogging about how much I want it to be over. Instead, I spent 4 hours this evening with a friend, playing with her son and generally just catching up. 4 HOURS. It was good though; I’m getting close to forgetting what it’s like to have friends that aren’t a decade younger than me.

I have to admit though that I’m starting to feel a little guilty about not blogging on a somewhat-regular basis. Of all the semi-resolutions I made at the beginning of the year, this is the only one that I’m even moderately working on. What is the deal about resolutions that they’re so easily abandoned? What is the point of them?

Obviously these questions are more rhetorical than anything; I just can’t understand myself sometimes.

And then there’s the irrational mood-swings I’ve been having lately. If I were older, I’d just use menopause as an excuse. But of course I don’t even have that. Jeeez.

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Current anger

27 06 2009

ranting-fishI’m sitting at my desk working on my dissertation, and then it’s dinner. Afterwards, we’re all laughing to the show with the most _________ people performing their most _________ acts, and then she turns around and snaps at him.

Does she not understand that there are only so few is so little time left, that any moment we have together may be the last moment we recollect when the same things we laugh at, or talk about, or the experiences we share, are no longer? I had to leave the room; staying would have meant saying something that I would have regretted. It’s always something, and then there’s something else. Right now on my playlist the song that’s playing is “Love Is Not Enough” by Nine Inch Nails off With Teeth and I’m struck by the ___________. For someone so forgiven, I have an awful lot of rage in me.

Right now I’m waiting for my boss to email me back and tell me whether I can have those two days off to see that concert. It’s a fickle reason to miss work, sure, but why August 3rd, anyway??

And another thing that’s really bothering me right now is how my brother and I seem to not be communicating without one or both of us losing our temper in some way. And I remember how we were in Phuket, and how everything seemed easier, and all the time I had been thinking about how if we were back home, it would not be “this easy” to converse, and be back the way we were.

And yet another thing that’s bothering me is how I have no inspiration for the dissertation: I have been stuck at 100 words for the past I-don’t-know-how-many days, because I read through what I’ve written, hate it, and wipe it all out. This summer writing period is not turning out to be as productive as I need it to be.

But I’ve kind of made a decision about something permanent, so if everything works out the way I hope for it to then I’ll be going ahead with it.





Today, I chose

16 03 2009

Feeling somewhat sick the whole day does not result in a constructive day by any stretch of the imagination. But I still hate it when students ask what I’ve graded, because there is always so much work (preparing, researching, writing amongst the many other things that I do in this stage of my life which, incidentally, makes eternity seem like the “jiffy” we often employ) that needs to be done. It’s sickening how much there is that needs to be done every day, and it really just makes me angry when they imply that I’ve done nothing because I haven’t finished grading one of their assignments. What do you do in a situation like that though? Respond or not? Honesty? Excuses? What?

Note to self: there are bigger issues at play here.

I literally salivate at the thought of resting during Spring Break. People have been asking about my plans, and my response is simple, heartfelt:
Sleep.

Met with my dissertation supervisor this afternoon, and found him to be humorous and very intelligent. Intimidatingly so. His background is in music in film, which sounds very interesting, and he said that the university needs a popular music scholar and I fantasized for a split second. It’s a good thing that I’m scared though as I’ll feel like I’m more accountable. Deadlines have been set: a complete bibliography by April 15, and an outline by May 15. But he was right – I need to sort out exactly what band I’ll be writing about and then going from there. I went and bought every CD I could find that was relevant and perhaps important, then came home to dinner and a slight bout of depression. Such is life.