Current anger

27 06 2009

ranting-fishI’m sitting at my desk working on my dissertation, and then it’s dinner. Afterwards, we’re all laughing to the show with the most _________ people performing their most _________ acts, and then she turns around and snaps at him.

Does she not understand that there are only so few is so little time left, that any moment we have together may be the last moment we recollect when the same things we laugh at, or talk about, or the experiences we share, are no longer? I had to leave the room; staying would have meant saying something that I would have regretted. It’s always something, and then there’s something else. Right now on my playlist the song that’s playing is “Love Is Not Enough” by Nine Inch Nails off With Teeth and I’m struck by the ___________. For someone so forgiven, I have an awful lot of rage in me.

Right now I’m waiting for my boss to email me back and tell me whether I can have those two days off to see that concert. It’s a fickle reason to miss work, sure, but why August 3rd, anyway??

And another thing that’s really bothering me right now is how my brother and I seem to not be communicating without one or both of us losing our temper in some way. And I remember how we were in Phuket, and how everything seemed easier, and all the time I had been thinking about how if we were back home, it would not be “this easy” to converse, and be back the way we were.

And yet another thing that’s bothering me is how I have no inspiration for the dissertation: I have been stuck at 100 words for the past I-don’t-know-how-many days, because I read through what I’ve written, hate it, and wipe it all out. This summer writing period is not turning out to be as productive as I need it to be.

But I’ve kind of made a decision about something permanent, so if everything works out the way I hope for it to then I’ll be going ahead with it.

Advertisements




In honour of later today

10 05 2009

I have to say I am the woman I am today because of my parents. My mother raised me to listen, and provide for others when they are in need, and my father taught me the value of respect, humour, and punctuality.

Together, they have taught me the meaning of family. I don’t mean the “nobody gets left behind” schmoosh; that’s just Disney. I mean the love/hate relationship that is overwhelmingly lovely, loveable and infuriating.

Sometimes I forget who I am because of everything else that happens in my every day, and the re-realisation of my identity helps me live through another day when it is hard.

Thank you. Really. Thank you.





What utter crap

18 04 2009

She’s talking to her sister on the phone right now, and the whole topic is revolving around the topic of children. Rebellious children who do not obey, who do not appreciate the care of their parents, and so on, and so on. She says to her sister that she has learned to let go, and has taught herself to release her own, because she is “thinking clearly now”, and I can’t help saying to myself that this is all utter crap that she is speaking, because I know that she is not letting go, and that is partly why there is such resentment in the household sometimes. She does not, has not, let go of her own siblings, whose lives are trashy and chaotic, and too much for her anyway, so why doesn’t she let go of them already as they just use her and use her family, and she certainly has not “let go” of her own children. And it’s torture sometimes, as she seeks to control every. Single. Thing. 

I am moving out the first chance I get. 

I hope.





I’ve got to say…

31 08 2008

Mum’s birthday meant a day of feeling pretty guilty – was I spending enough time with her, was I being a good enough daughter, was I doing the right thing… and it’s been hard, but it’s time for bed now, and the day could have gone a lot worse. I bought a bit too much today, and it’s been therapeutic in a sense as I rarely go shopping like this. Also, it helped to buy stationery for my brother, who’s starting at university on Tuesday.

Stationery stores help to calm me down. I don’t know why.

Classes start tomorrow. ARGH! I feel like I’m so unprepared for it this term but that’s mostly because of the new job and adjusting to all of that. I’m sure this is the place God needs me to be at right now, and it’s been reassuring to have that particular discussion with one of my friends. He has repeatedly affirmed me in my faith and my role as leader at the youth group, and his presence comforts me.

I’m listening to some Red Hot Chilli Peppers right now – they always put me in a goodish mood.





This whole weekend

13 07 2008

Haven’t had any time to blog this weekend because of the following reasons:

  1. Having no time on Thursday. I don’t remember why, just that the past few days at work have been insanely busy with finishing things up and working on stuff that I will not be using next year, like the students’ handbook and other documents of that ilk. I’ll be back again on Monday and Tuesday, because I am so responsible…! But Tuesday will be my official last day, and then it’s just counting down to the 28th/30th. I haven’t decided on which day to make my first yet. I would like to start on the former, but have no idea where to begin. I’m waiting for an email from someone before making that particular decision.
  2. China. We went to Donguan on Friday night by train to Lowu and then another train to Zhangmutou. I was stunned by how clean everything was, and how fast the train was as well. We had dinner when we arrived, and then massages. I bought nothing except one pair of socks. Came back late last night, and I couldn’t sleep because I was so keyed up about church this morning, and ended up watching What Happens In Vegas, which was alright, thought-free-fluff. It was funny at times, but the chemistry (or lack thereof) between the various characters was excruciating at times. I had to stay with it though – watching it was not unlike what it must be like for spectators at a train wreck…
  3. Church was good this morning, but hearing some relatively bad news put a damper on the lunch for me. Being with a bunch of people and watching The Matrix helped though. Community…
  4. Being really angry and bitter about certain arrangements at home. I’m not going into detail, but I really want to, because it’s killing my brain right now not being able to talk about it. At the moment, I’ve talked about it with perhaps two people, and it’s busting me wide open at times because it’s all boiling there. Help. Again.

I’ll post some photos of the weekend up when I have time tomorrow at work. Right now, I just want to shower off some of the resentment and various other kinds of grime off me so I can have a restful night’s sleep.

But on Friday, I’ll be meeting with someone wise from church to talk through some of these issues. Because it’s important to do so before it consumes me. So I’m praying about the day. Coffee in the morning. I have to pray. I have to believe that God is in this situation, and that there’s a purpose for all this emotion. I’m struggling a lot, have been for the past month or so, but especially since I signed the new contract, especially since I feel trapped, and exhausted from fighting, and not able to talk about the truth to the very person I need to talk about this with, because she. Just. Refuses. To. Listen. And the tears want to fall right now, right now because I am choking, and can’t talk about it. I’ve tried. And it doesn’t do anything with her, because she. Just. Doesn’t. Hear. Me. And I’m angry, and upset, and hurting, and trapped.

I can pray all I want about it, but nothing seems to have happened/be happening. The situation is still the same, and whilst I don’t want for anything to be permanent, as in someone leaving the equation to allow for the situation to change, I can’t handle this anger and don’t know how I can deal with it. I feel like the worst person in the world because there’s no one else to tell about this, nowhere else to go with this, and it’s burning away at me in the inside. It’s affecting every day, and I get the same questions every day because they don’t see why I have asked those questions before, why I shared that I wanted to do it while I could, and not wait until I didn’t have a choice. Why is it so hard to understand this?

Perhaps what I’m thinking about is not going to be the thing to change everything, solve all the problems, but how can I know what it does or doesn’t do if I’m not allowed to try it? And why do I even have to phrase it this way, that I need to be “allowed?” I’m 25, and for so many of my peers, even for the cutlural understandings, it’s more than old enough for independence. So all I can think of is that it’s the cultural differences, once again… only this time, I feel it in a massive, staggering way and every thought, every consideration, is burdened by it. I am helpless right now, and want to bury myself in work so I don’t need to think about it.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

Wow. This has become a surprisingly long and emotional entry.





Happy Mothers’ Day!

11 05 2008

I’m posting it in all affection for my own mum. It’s very true – one minute, it can be one thing, and then when you recall it, she’ll say something she didn’t. Because she’s a mother. I love her to bits.

I have a very complicated relationship with my mum.





i like to eat liver

31 05 2007

i like to eat liver. i like soup that’s been made with liver, i like friend onions with liver, i like boiled liver, fried liver, sauteed liver, grilled liver, i like liver sausages, fish livers and chicken livers, i like the smell of livers cooking, and i especially like to hear the sound of them frying on the fire. i like liver quite a bit.

my mum loves liver as much as i do. she has to be careful though, because she has hypertension and can’t eat things that are high in cholesterol. my dad, on the other hand, will eat liver only if my mum forces him to, like when there is absolutely nothing left in the fridge. my dad hates being late – he drilled the importance of being on time early on into all three of us: “it is better to be five minutes early than one minute late” – and would stop everything he’d be doing to give us a lift any place if it looks like we’re going to be late and can’t drive ourselves. my mum, on the other hand, was surnamed ‘lau’ before she became a manchester, and the joke that the name lau is actually an acronym for ‘late as usual’ is so applicable it’s not even regarded as a joke anymore.

i once waited two hours for her to show up, and each time i called her i felt more and more irritated, whereas her answer was always, “i’m nearly there.”

when i look at my parents, i see me. i have my mum’s appearance, my dad’s temperament, my mum’s and my dad’s personality and sense of humour, a love of reading from nowhere i can tell, and a love for theatre from the same.

so my identity is, i am somewhat taken aback to conclude, closely tied with my parents’. and a day will come when they won’t be the anchors to whom i am bound, and i fear that i will be left bereft.

and that is why we are so fortunate that who we are is not just determined by who our parents are.

st. augustine once famously prayed, “grant me chastity and continence, but not yet” which cracks me up (but that’s not the point i’m trying to get at so we’ll leave that for another time) also wrote,
you have made us for yourself, o lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

whilst reading it, the thought that has become a cliche, that there is a ‘God-shaped hole’ in all of us, comes to mind. but at the same time, the language of it – our heart is restless – is so apt, so lyrical, that our eyes are drawn to it, and our hearts open to the truth of it. i think there are moments that we can find, in every day and every situation, where God, or something He has created, just becomes real for us. whether we acknowledge it or not, however, is another matter altogether.

we’re made to be beings who are just… different… and when we live in this world, we’re blinded by the bright lights and big sounds, the textures, tastes and desires that we’re told to long for, to want. but this word, ‘want,’ means several things, according to http://www.thefreedictionary.com/ (go to this page and click on the little speaker button for a good laugh. okay well it amuses me, anyway):

v.tr.
1.
a. To desire greatly; wish for: They want to leave. She wants a glass of water.
b. To desire (someone to do something): I want you to clean your room.
2.
a. To request the presence or assistance of: You are wanted by your office.
b. To seek with intent to capture: The fugitive is wanted by the police.
3. To have an inclination toward; like: Say what you want, but be tactful.
4. Informal To be obliged (to do something): You want to be careful on the ice.
5. To be without; lack.
6. To be in need of; require: “‘Your hair wants cutting,’ said the Hatter” Lewis Carroll.
v.intr.
1. To have need: wants for nothing.
2. To be destitute or needy.
3. To be disposed; wish: Call me daily if you want.
n.
1. The condition or quality of lacking something usual or necessary: stayed home for want of anything better to do.
2. Pressing need; destitution: lives in want.
3. Something desired: a person of few wants and needs.
4. A defect of character; a fault.

we can want in the sense of desiring something or we can want in the sense of lacking something. when we find what we’re looking for, we’re no longer wanting for it. and this is what it’s all about. this is why i like liver. because i am like my parents, and i am made in the image of God. who i am is not determined simply by my parents; who i am is the result of God’s creative genius. [because] we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (ephesians 2:10). beautiful.