Not saying no

22 07 2011

Although a great deal of progress has been made so far in counselling, one thing I still find quite challenging is saying no to certain individuals in my life who demand things of me. In many ways, this move has been good, but returning to old places is made all the more tiresome because of the distance, physically or emotionally.

What is it about this person that makes my teeth clench in anger? Could it be the injustice of the situation, where a perceived debt is reason for any number of manipulations? Could it be the inability to distinguish vital from unimportant? Could it be the self-righteous attitude that says everyone else in the world is taking advantage of positives and acquired wealth? Could it be the blatant and flagrant ignorance of appreciation? Perhaps it is all of these things, because my mother asking for my help on someone else’s behalf is something that at once annoys and frustrates me.

Because when you are in the process of moving house, you should not be ‘out of town’; you should be the one who oversees, arranges, schedules, structures, decides, and takes action. What a cop-out.

At some point, I will move past this and realise the value of forgiveness, and the joy that can be received through helping someone whose responsibilities require them to be elsewhere, and so have no choice but to depend on others to fulfil their duties for them. I will eventually be able to write about what I have learned from this situation, and how it has made me a better person. I will understand the difficulties of being stuck between two places, and wanting to please the people I love.

But not yet.

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That choking feeling

2 12 2010

Just got floored with some crappy news, and I feel like I’m to blame. It’s not a feeling that I am entirely at fault, just that I could have kept my mouth shut and then everything would be fine.

But it won’t be, because it’s actually not acceptable to keep my mouth shut when it comes to an issue like the one that had come up.

And now the familiar old lump in my throat is back, and it tastes like bitter guilt.

The only consolation there is is that “always You remain with me” as the song by Christian City Youth on iTunes is saying right now.