How’s this for being radical?

29 10 2008

This is the video I just finished watching while procrastinating from that paper that is due tomorrow. Oops, I mean later today. The story is incredible though – a woman buys a house that was foreclosed, and gives it back to its original owner. How’s that for radical? I caught myself thinking, “If only the world were more like this…” and then realised that we ARE the world. If we don’t change our lifestyles, and our mindsets, how could we possibly expect to see change??

 

It’s going to be a long, long week. I have class tomorrow night, and have to get there early as I’m meeting with the professor about speaking with Peter Chan, a pretty famous local director, about his film Going Home and so tomorrow’s going to end late, but then Thursday and Friday are Parent-Teacher Conferences, and I have 3 classes to teach the morning of Thursday, then it’s back to back conferences until nearly 8pm. Friday morning is a late start day, ish, and I have more interviews with parents, followed by Waiting For Godot in the evening. I am unbelievably psyched about that, so I better stay awake for it…!

I will be missing my bed tonight.

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I’ve got to say…

31 08 2008

Mum’s birthday meant a day of feeling pretty guilty – was I spending enough time with her, was I being a good enough daughter, was I doing the right thing… and it’s been hard, but it’s time for bed now, and the day could have gone a lot worse. I bought a bit too much today, and it’s been therapeutic in a sense as I rarely go shopping like this. Also, it helped to buy stationery for my brother, who’s starting at university on Tuesday.

Stationery stores help to calm me down. I don’t know why.

Classes start tomorrow. ARGH! I feel like I’m so unprepared for it this term but that’s mostly because of the new job and adjusting to all of that. I’m sure this is the place God needs me to be at right now, and it’s been reassuring to have that particular discussion with one of my friends. He has repeatedly affirmed me in my faith and my role as leader at the youth group, and his presence comforts me.

I’m listening to some Red Hot Chilli Peppers right now – they always put me in a goodish mood.





This whole weekend

13 07 2008

Haven’t had any time to blog this weekend because of the following reasons:

  1. Having no time on Thursday. I don’t remember why, just that the past few days at work have been insanely busy with finishing things up and working on stuff that I will not be using next year, like the students’ handbook and other documents of that ilk. I’ll be back again on Monday and Tuesday, because I am so responsible…! But Tuesday will be my official last day, and then it’s just counting down to the 28th/30th. I haven’t decided on which day to make my first yet. I would like to start on the former, but have no idea where to begin. I’m waiting for an email from someone before making that particular decision.
  2. China. We went to Donguan on Friday night by train to Lowu and then another train to Zhangmutou. I was stunned by how clean everything was, and how fast the train was as well. We had dinner when we arrived, and then massages. I bought nothing except one pair of socks. Came back late last night, and I couldn’t sleep because I was so keyed up about church this morning, and ended up watching What Happens In Vegas, which was alright, thought-free-fluff. It was funny at times, but the chemistry (or lack thereof) between the various characters was excruciating at times. I had to stay with it though – watching it was not unlike what it must be like for spectators at a train wreck…
  3. Church was good this morning, but hearing some relatively bad news put a damper on the lunch for me. Being with a bunch of people and watching The Matrix helped though. Community…
  4. Being really angry and bitter about certain arrangements at home. I’m not going into detail, but I really want to, because it’s killing my brain right now not being able to talk about it. At the moment, I’ve talked about it with perhaps two people, and it’s busting me wide open at times because it’s all boiling there. Help. Again.

I’ll post some photos of the weekend up when I have time tomorrow at work. Right now, I just want to shower off some of the resentment and various other kinds of grime off me so I can have a restful night’s sleep.

But on Friday, I’ll be meeting with someone wise from church to talk through some of these issues. Because it’s important to do so before it consumes me. So I’m praying about the day. Coffee in the morning. I have to pray. I have to believe that God is in this situation, and that there’s a purpose for all this emotion. I’m struggling a lot, have been for the past month or so, but especially since I signed the new contract, especially since I feel trapped, and exhausted from fighting, and not able to talk about the truth to the very person I need to talk about this with, because she. Just. Refuses. To. Listen. And the tears want to fall right now, right now because I am choking, and can’t talk about it. I’ve tried. And it doesn’t do anything with her, because she. Just. Doesn’t. Hear. Me. And I’m angry, and upset, and hurting, and trapped.

I can pray all I want about it, but nothing seems to have happened/be happening. The situation is still the same, and whilst I don’t want for anything to be permanent, as in someone leaving the equation to allow for the situation to change, I can’t handle this anger and don’t know how I can deal with it. I feel like the worst person in the world because there’s no one else to tell about this, nowhere else to go with this, and it’s burning away at me in the inside. It’s affecting every day, and I get the same questions every day because they don’t see why I have asked those questions before, why I shared that I wanted to do it while I could, and not wait until I didn’t have a choice. Why is it so hard to understand this?

Perhaps what I’m thinking about is not going to be the thing to change everything, solve all the problems, but how can I know what it does or doesn’t do if I’m not allowed to try it? And why do I even have to phrase it this way, that I need to be “allowed?” I’m 25, and for so many of my peers, even for the cutlural understandings, it’s more than old enough for independence. So all I can think of is that it’s the cultural differences, once again… only this time, I feel it in a massive, staggering way and every thought, every consideration, is burdened by it. I am helpless right now, and want to bury myself in work so I don’t need to think about it.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

Wow. This has become a surprisingly long and emotional entry.





Shells

6 07 2008

I was given the Nooma video called Shells this morning and I just finished watching it. There was a sense throughout lunch that I was meant to come home and watch this DVD on my own, and not another movie, even though I wanted to say yes to Hancock, or Kung Fu Panda.

That sense of something more just brought to mind why I was given the video. I have been unable to pick up the starfish for the shells in my fists. More, more, more, is the voice in my head that I have to do everything, whether it be on my own, or with people, or doing something that I am “meant to be doing,” because I… can. So often in the past three years I’ve felt so frustrated and upset over the lack of time I have… but the video made me realise that I don’t

have

to

do

it

all

and it’s killing my head right now because I don’t know how to distinguish between what’s necessary, and what comes under “the few things that God has put into” my life, from what I’ve put into my life, and what I’ve been stressing out over. But which are entirely of my own doing, my own action of saying yes when I could say no, or not being able to say no when I’ve already said yes too many times. The gesture of looking at the watch constantly, but in the greater context of picking his child up, was beautiful to me. Not because of the urge to keep track of the time, but because of why he was doing that.

I’m going to go off and think heavily about this. I think I need to.