What I can’t say no to

5 03 2011

Recently, I completed my teacher evaluation. After the compliments and the encouragement, one of the suggestions that was raised by a colleague on my evaluation team was that I needed balance in my life, by learning to say “No” to some things.

I will learn that, but it will take time. This is something I don’t have much of nowadays.

The biggest problem, I think, is that I don’t know how to turn someone or something down. I’ve been practicing, but it sometimes physically hurts to say those two little letters, their lopsided z and the thumb-and-forefinger-together-with-tips-touching-making-you-make-the-“okay”-sign, so it’s a learning process, and I’ll manage to do it one day with full recognition of the the cost it is to me.

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Wishes and fishes

10 02 2009

I wish I had more hours in a day, and I wish I were capable of thinking ahead just a little bit more. Instant gratification can only go so far…





Shells

6 07 2008

I was given the Nooma video called Shells this morning and I just finished watching it. There was a sense throughout lunch that I was meant to come home and watch this DVD on my own, and not another movie, even though I wanted to say yes to Hancock, or Kung Fu Panda.

That sense of something more just brought to mind why I was given the video. I have been unable to pick up the starfish for the shells in my fists. More, more, more, is the voice in my head that I have to do everything, whether it be on my own, or with people, or doing something that I am “meant to be doing,” because I… can. So often in the past three years I’ve felt so frustrated and upset over the lack of time I have… but the video made me realise that I don’t

have

to

do

it

all

and it’s killing my head right now because I don’t know how to distinguish between what’s necessary, and what comes under “the few things that God has put into” my life, from what I’ve put into my life, and what I’ve been stressing out over. But which are entirely of my own doing, my own action of saying yes when I could say no, or not being able to say no when I’ve already said yes too many times. The gesture of looking at the watch constantly, but in the greater context of picking his child up, was beautiful to me. Not because of the urge to keep track of the time, but because of why he was doing that.

I’m going to go off and think heavily about this. I think I need to.

 





For some reasons

28 03 2008

Sitting at my desk at work this morning, I feel overcome with sadness somehow. The new slogan has been put up, and every time it flashes on the website, I feel a little sadder. Time does pass so quickly – I’ve been here for 2 years and 7 months, and the ups and downs have come as rapidly as an eye blinks in a storm. It is hard to talk about how I feel, but if I don’t, I feel like I’m going to burst. Boy, I’m going to have a lot to tell him tonight.

I’m sure he’ll be disappointment personified. If I’m not that, myself. But on the up side at least I won’t have to make up my response in half truths and agreements with what he says.

Marking my students’ compositions is rewarding, challenging, boring, frustrating, amazing and everything else all at once and at different moments. It’s beautiful to see improvements in what they’re writing, but it’s equally __________ when they’re not doing well. It’s something that I’ve tried to work towards, building relationships with them, but I’ve been getting into a bit of hot water because of it. Maybe they’re right – maybe I don’t need to be their friend, since they have friends of their own. I wish it were different.

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Not the start of things…

6 03 2008

I left work at 7 tonight, the latest I’ve left so far this year. I hope it’s not the start of the way things will be. I’m looking forward to the end of this year, to be honest.

Setting papers sucks.