Love in this place, can you feel it?

It’s not such a bad thing to feel needed; it only becomes unhealthy when you only do certain things when and because you have to. The sense of obligation is definitely suffocating. It’s totally different when you really want to do it though. It really makes a difference. For so long, I’ve felt the need – to please, to supply a need… when will I do things because I want to, rather than because I feel I have to? Not that that’s all I’ve been doing. But it’s close sometimes, and with so many aspects. Aiya.

I lasted 19 days

I forgot to blog last night, for the first time since 2008 began, because I was spending the whole time online chatting with people. I’ve been blessed, truly blessed, by the Father. He’s given me everything I could need to be who I am, and I’m floored by the idea that that’s why I am who I am. All the flaws, the hangups, the anxieties… all because He made me this way. I’m not complaining – on a good day, or on a day like today, when I am sitting in my pajamas still, putting down some thoughts here whilst marking some students’ compositions, I really know what my identity is. It’s finally complete, and I realise that the things I’ve been doing, the things I’ve done, and the things I will ever do will be because I’ve been made this way. I realise that the world is no less beautiful with me in it, and no better for having me in it. I am a small, insignificant infinitesimal speck in the dust of this existence.

And I am loved. By the Creator of it all.

I had a doctor’s appointment last night, and he said that I seem better. I feel better. The antidepressants seem to be working, but I can’t help but think that it might be a placebo effect, in that they’re not really that strong, or even they’re just sugar pills, but I’m making myself feel better. I don’t know. I do feel very thankful this morning though. Last week, I woke up one morning suddenly feeling inordinately, inexplicably thankful – that I could wake up at all and not be in a coma. When I told my brother about that, he looked at me like he’d suddenly realised that I had, overnight, grown strange. That was a funny moment. But the pills… hahah.

This semester, classes are going to be busy, partly because I feel a bit tired of it and find myself regretting choosing this particular programme. Perhaps I’ll go back to the other one at another time. That would be nice.