I lasted 19 days

19 01 2008

I forgot to blog last night, for the first time since 2008 began, because I was spending the whole time online chatting with people. I’ve been blessed, truly blessed, by the Father. He’s given me everything I could need to be who I am, and I’m floored by the idea that that’s why I am who I am. All the flaws, the hangups, the anxieties… all because He made me this way. I’m not complaining – on a good day, or on a day like today, when I am sitting in my pajamas still, putting down some thoughts here whilst marking some students’ compositions, I really know what my identity is. It’s finally complete, and I realise that the things I’ve been doing, the things I’ve done, and the things I will ever do will be because I’ve been made this way. I realise that the world is no less beautiful with me in it, and no better for having me in it. I am a small, insignificant infinitesimal speck in the dust of this existence.

And I am loved. By the Creator of it all.

I had a doctor’s appointment last night, and he said that I seem better. I feel better. The antidepressants seem to be working, but I can’t help but think that it might be a placebo effect, in that they’re not really that strong, or even they’re just sugar pills, but I’m making myself feel better. I don’t know. I do feel very thankful this morning though. Last week, I woke up one morning suddenly feeling inordinately, inexplicably thankful – that I could wake up at all and not be in a coma. When I told my brother about that, he looked at me like he’d suddenly realised that I had, overnight, grown strange. That was a funny moment. But the pills… hahah.

pills1.jpg

This semester, classes are going to be busy, partly because I feel a bit tired of it and find myself regretting choosing this particular programme. Perhaps I’ll go back to the other one at another time. That would be nice.

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